Friday’s BBC One O’Clock News featured a nice fluffy report about those nice fluffy Greens.

Here’s a full transcript, annotated with my thoughts as it went along:

Darren Jordan, 21’14” into the programme:

The Green Party says it has a real chance of winning its first parliamentary seat at the forthcoming General Election. The Greens have members in the European and Scottish Parliaments, as well as more than sixty local councillors, but they’ve never come close to winning a Westminster constituency. Well, our Political Correspondent, Vicki Young, is at the Party’s spring conference, in Chesterfield, Vicki…

That’s news to me. I wonder which constituency they have in mind?

‘Going Live!’ to Vicki Young:

That’s right Darren, the Greens are feeling very confident. As you say, they’re already represented in councils across the country, in the Scottish Parliament, in the European Parliament and in the London Assembly, but now they feel it’s time to move on, and they really want to have that breakthrough they so desperately need.

Yes Vicki, we heard all that from Darren already, and don’t we all want to have that breakthrough we so desperately need…

Start of Vicki Young’s ‘package’:

The Greens are keen to shake off any impression that they are a one issue party. Of course, debates on climate change still feature heavily at this conference, but there’s more emphasis on the public services, policies for a citizen’s pension and extra community policing. The Party’s predicting its best General Election results ever.

Tell us more Vicki, tell us about the Greens’ firm opposition to Britain joining the Euro! Oh, go on, they’re really not as loopy as everyone thinks – tell us about that!

Clip of Dr. Caroline Lucas, MEP, Green Party:

There is a political party with an intelligent, radical, passionate vision for politics. There is a party that offers a radical and credible alternative to business as usual, and that party, friends, is our party, the Green Party, [snippet inaudible, due to applause]

Yaaaaawn….

Back to Vicki Young, film of construction work:

The Greens say this construction project in Brighton is an example of how they make a difference. The Party has six councillors in the City, they’ve negotiated with developers and the unions to encourage vocational training projects for local people, as well as more energy efficient buildings.

Six Green councillors sitting on a wall council. Fancy that! Brighton & Hove has, er, 54 councillors. Gosh. I wonder if the other councillors were watching football or doing something else when the Greens sorted all that out. Looking on the bright side though, six is double the number of yellow LibDems on the council!

Councillor Keith Taylor, Green Party:

This is living as if we mean to stay, er, not actually throwing buildings up, erm, as quickly as possible, as cheaply as possible and, er, in an energy sense, as frivolously as possible.

Rrrright.

More of Vicki Young’s ‘package’:

Back at their conference delegates are confident that Brighton could produce the Party’s first Westminster MP. Their election campaign will focus on environmental issues and the public services, but they believe their opposition to the war in Iraq will be a vote-winner, especially with disillusioned Labour supporters.

At last! Now we know for sure it’s Brighton where they’re so confident. Let’s see, Brighton has two Westminster constituencies – Brighton Kemptown and Brighton Pavilion. Wonder which one’s the Green target. Let’s have a look at the results from last time: Brighton Kemptown – Lab 47.82%, Con 35.26%, LD 10.37%, Green 3.29%. Not that one then. Brighton Pavilion – Lab 48.73%, Con 25.05%, LD 13.13%, Green 9.35%. Well, not as bad as Kemptown, but still not a snowball’s chance in hell, eh Vicki. But I’m sure you knew that already.

Back to ‘Going Live!’ to Vicki Young:

Now, as one Green Party member put it to me today, he said “it’s no longer an off the wall idea that the Greens could have an MP at Westminster”, but they do know that the electoral system, the first past the post system, isn’t that kind to them, they need proportional representation really, if they are to realistically get an MP. And, privately they do admit that, really, this time around, it’s a bit of a long shot.

Yes, indeedy, just as the much missed Spitting Image lampooned the not-so-much-missed David Steel, “Go back to your constituencies and prepare for… a bit of a disappointment”, it’s not likely that Tony Blair (or anyone else at Westminster who isn’t as two-faced and yellow as Charles Kennedy and his cronies) is gonna change the first-past the post system, is it, after the kludge they’ve ended up with in Scotland with a lousy self-perpetuating Lib-Lab Flib-Flab coalition that’s an embarrassment even to Blair. Oh, and Vicki, you might have mentioned that if the Greens have their way with proportional representation then all sorts of kooks, commies, neo-Nazis and LibDems will be strutting around Westminster with them in no time.

Darren Jordan, 23’40” into the programme:

Vicki, thank you.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no objection to fringe parties, all those with a reasonable electoral base, getting a look-in on the BBC’s news coverage from time to time, but could we please avoid the manufacture of stories like “The Greens are gonna get a seat at Westminster” leading ever so anti-climactically to an utterly predictable conclusion where even the Greens admit “Oh no they’re not!”. Straightforward, realistic facts will do fine, thank you.

Earlier in Friday’s One O’Clock News we were treated to an even more ridiculous than usual ‘Going Live!’ two-way interview when we ‘Went Live!’ to “our media correspondent, Torin Douglas” who, yes, you guessed it, “is outside Television Centre now”! I guess the BBC management wouldn’t let Torin inside to tell Darren personally about the BBC’s massive payout to lifelong criminal Brendon Fearon…

You can view it all in glorious Realplayer 256Kbps format if you wish. Just so they don’t feel left out, BBC News Online got in their own me-too “the Greens are gonna make it big at Westminster“ puff-piece too.