Carry on Assassinating

Where’s Charles Hawtrey, Kenneth Williams and Sid James? I’ve got a great idea for a Carry on Film.
It’s about a plot to assassinate this awful bloke, a murderer and a villain who deserves to die, and the gang bump him off after an elaborate Carry On type of adventure.

The antics of the gang could be hilarious. They play members of Mossad, the infamous Israeli intelligence service. In real life their ingenious planning and meticulous preparation would miss nothing, only in this version their antics and blunders are played for laughs. First, they recruit an enormous gang of assassins, when more than three or four would look superfluous, so everyone should get the joke.

Then they clone several passports, overlooking the risk that the locations of the real passport holders could give the game away, and point the finger at themselves! That’s amusing isn’t it?
Then for another laugh, they ignore the ‘no grinning’ rule for a passport photograph, and have some of them grinning in their pictures. I nearly split my sides at that one.

The preparation is the funniest bit. It’s supposed to be meticulous and thorough, don’t forget, but hilariously the gang overlooks the CCTV cameras that are positioned every six inches from the arrival hall at the airport to the hotel en suite, capturing on camera every gang member as they enter the hotel lobby and step in and out of lifts, right up to the to the moment when Barbara Windsor goes into the bathroom bald and comes out wearing a wig. Sid James and the skinny one are disguised as tennis players, and everyone is wearing dark glasses just like a James Bond movie or something, only a spoof.

Afterwards, the gang escapes but everyone is full of moral outrage at the dastardliness and audacity of the plan, and public opinion forces the prime minister to take some sort of action a bit like when the Queen was made to look sad when Princess Diana died. Even the murder victim seemed less bad, or not bad at all, and people even felt sorry for him, and the BBC started calling him a Hamas Commander. But worse even than that, is the plight of the poor people whose identities had been stolen. The media even forgot that they were Israeli Jews, and called them British, and were engulfed with moral indignation on their behalf.

I’m not sure of the ending yet, but it’s bound to be funny, and involve the sort of come-uppance we all love and expect from the BBC.

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21 Responses to Carry on Assassinating

  1. sue says:

    and do read this. I forgot to add the bit about the Palestinians. And Jeremy Bowen. Sid James would have made a good Jeremy Bowen. Or Leslie Phillips. Well hello.


  2. George R says:

    Note for BBC:

    Even left-wing permanent critic of Israel, Mr. Fisk, has this:

    “Britain’s explanation is riddled with inconsistencies. It’s time to come clean”

    “How could the Arabs pick up on a Mossad killing, if that is what it was? Well, we shall see.”


    “Mossad assassination: What did they mean by that?”


  3. Philip says:

    Great write up, Sue..

    “Carry On Blaming the Joooooz”


  4. burbette123 says:

    Why can’t these beeboid turds like Jeremy (I hate Israel) al-Bowen  just stick to the facts?
    His latest all-seeing, all knowing diatribe on News 24 just after 3pm, was that the alleged perpetrators have gone back to Israel where they will never be arrested.
    I read in the Israeli press, Haaretz, and Yedioth, that meanwhile two Arab Palestinians have been arrested in Amman and are being sent to Dubai.
    This sounds like a power struggle within the Hamas gangs. Find out which clan the victim belonged to and let al-Bowen run witth that if he dare. What is he  going to report when the truth is revealed. If Israel is behind it, we can only hope his joy will overwhelm him.


  5. NotaSheep says:

    The BBC (can’t remember if it was 5Live or Radio London) used George Galloway as their “news” commentator; in his unbiased view Israel is a “rogue state”.


  6. JohnW says:

    My first instinct was to crack open the champagne (like Al Beeb on 2 May 1997) at the news that one more terrorist piece of scum had met his end at the hands of the Israelis.

    Now we hear it might be the handiwork of Fatah agents!

    Damn – I much prefer the first story. Still, if it increases the discomfort of Al Beeb in reporting this, I’m happy to forego the pleasure to watch them stew.


  7. David Preiser (USA) says:

    Whre was the outrage when Putin was assassinating political opponents on UK soil?  There was concern, yes.  There was noise from the Government about it, yes.  But not the same “outrage”. I don’t remember the BBC chasing down Russian envoys over it.  In fact, their tone on the killer was a bit different.

    Compare and Contrast.

    Will the BBC be using this story about the killing of a Hamas leader in a ‘Learning English’ excercise?  Somehow I doubt they’d be so casual about it.


  8. jpt says:

    I knew that the BBC would hint at Mossad.


  9. Grant says:

    “Hamas Commander”  sounds like a military Commander, not a terrorist.  Anyway I rejoice that the scumbag is dead.  Just hope Mossad didn’t use British passports.  Rather foolish as the British Government, unlike the BBC, tend to be quite supportive of Israel.


  10. George R says:

    For BBC.

    Even Arab ‘Middle East Online’ has:

    “Palestinians may be involved in Mossad operation”


  11. George R says:

    Whatever the BBC’s and Galloway’s and Ming C’s propaganda against Israel:

    “We’re all thrilled by Mossad the movie

    – of course we should condemn extrajudical murder, but I can’t help admiring Israel’s nerve” (Melanie Reid)


  12. sue says:

    Robin Shepherd’s take on this is quite unlike my rather flippant one. Like most of the press he assumes Mossad was indeed the mastermind behind the escapade. But others like myself aren’t convinced that the more ludicrous aspects of it are anything to be proud of, so though I’m glad they got away with it, I hope it wasn’t them.

    Only the BBC seems to be sorry that this man is dead.

    An interesting angle highlighted by Robert Shepherd is that despite the farcical elements that amused me, some journos seems strangely respectful, and  look back at other tales of Mossad’s derring do with admiration. See link on George R’s comment 19:21 above


  13. Grant says:

    Just saw Ming on Channel 4 News. What a pathetic creature.  To take his weak-minded argument to its conclusion, the Allies wouldn’t have fought WW2.  What an utter prat.


  14. Ed (ex RSA) says:

    To me this assassination seems more like Arab incompetance than Mossad; why would Mossad choose the passports of Britons resident in Israel to copy and thereby leave a trail back to Israel?

    In any case, whoever smothered the terrorist, good riddance!


  15. deegee says:

    It’s a pale history of British/Israel relations designed to make Britain look good. Another bump in the road for British-Israeli relations. It ignores, for example, Britsh officers commanding Arab invasion armies in 1948; the sale and supply of armaments to Israel’s enemies from 1948 to this day while piously pretending they wouldn’t be used against  Israel and the notorious Sykes-Picot agreement dividing the Middle East between Britain and France.

    Still there are some gems in Paul Reynold’s article.

    The British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is sympathetic to Israel and there is a delicate intelligence relationship that needs to be preserved as far as possible in view of the threat to both countries from Islamist extremists. That must grate on the BBC. And there’s even a reference to the threat of Islamist extremists.

    For years, there was a strand in the British Foreign Office that was hostile to Israel.That’s the same C.F.O. that pays for the World service.

    In fact, Britain and France were Israel’s main weapons providers then, not the United States. The decision to cease supplying Israel had the unexpected consequence leading the Arabs to buy American.

    In turn the Europeans try to balance their support for Israel as a state with their sympathy for the Palestinians as a people. Does that mean the Europeans and the BBC despite the Israeli [Jewish] people?


  16. anon says:

    “the notorious Sykes-Picot agreement dividing the Middle East between Britain and France.  “

    This was before modern day Israel or the Balfour Declaration


  17. George R says:

    BBC now relegating Dubai events. This seems to coincide with reports of FATAH involvement, which BBC is reluctant, for political reasons, to investigate.

    “Fatah members linked with assassination of Hamas commander in Dubai”


  18. George R says:

    If the BBC were not so pro-Labour, it would pursue issue of UK involvement:

    “Did Britain know about Mossad hit? Israeli agent claims MI6 was tipped off”

    Read more:

    “Britain ‘knew Mossad was using fake passports for Dubai hit'”


  19. George R says:

    Melanie Phillips points to the anti-Israeli reporting in MSM, not least by the BBC:

    “Another genocidal murderer wiped out? Britain knows who’s really guilty”